There was at time in my life I was deeply in love with a particular guy. There were complications, lots of turbulent waters I passed through. There was a raging battle on the rapids he went though. Sure, I know WHY there were turbulent waters, I just couldn’t stop them.
Sometimes life is simply what it is.
You accept it. You go on. You have no choice. You fix your eyes on the horizon and you simply take one step. Another step. Another step.
Year after year. After year. After year. After year.
You finally look up, see where you are and are AMAZED you traveled that distance from your original destination. You have no clue how you attained these goals, no idea you were jumping hurdles, and no idea how many odds you really went up against.
You simply took one step, then another…never looking up, never looking back. Just kept focus on each step. One…at a time. Day...after day.
We all have our struggles, I’m no different. I couldn’t go through what you went through, and you probably couldn’t go through the struggles t I went through. Our paths are uniquely ours, our alone to bear. Custom made for each of us, individually.
Last night I happed to dream about that particular guy I mentioned earlier. I dreamed about a guy from my past, that I had once loved ever so deeply. It was a serious relationship, one of the few I've been in. and probably the only one I truly felt I belonged in.
He is the father of my son.
Yes, we experienced turbulent waters. I even knew the reasons for the turbulent waters. However, i eventually had to step aside, and jump while he roughed the rapids of his choice alone. I just couldn’t do it any longer. I had a son on the way..
It took a few years, he eventually decided he was done fighting battles and raging waters. Figments from the past caught up with him…and took his life. There is a lot of “he-said, she-said”, a lot of rumors, and finger-pointing. But, unfortunately, it doesn’t change the result.
He died. Seventeen years ago.
I wasn’t involved with him anymore at the time, and it took a while for the news to reach me and our son. But a piece of me died, when he passed away. Although, I could never identify which part.
If there was a soul mate, he was it. Problems and all.
I dreamed about him last night.
In my dream, he had been gone and had returned. There he was, standing in the living room, looking lost. In the dream he knew that we were close at one time…but his feelings had changed while he was gone. He looked at me, missing the flood of emotions he used to feel when he looked at me. I could tell he missed what “we used to have”. In that dreams moment, he knew something had changed.
I had moved. I moved to another state, and slowly...in a way...moved on. I had put a chapter behind me, and was slowly embracing a new future.
But in the dream, when I looked at him and I felt the same thing. I missed what I used to feel when he was near me. I missed what we used to be.
Dreams are funny, you know what the other person knows and feels. We both missed “us”. “We” didn’t exist anymore. And that broke each of our hearts.
As he sat down on the sofa. He glanced down towards the floor and tipped his head slightly back and looked at me. I watched him. I saw the look in his eyes, I saw the shape of his face, the curve of his stomach as he sat there. I looked into his eyes. They spoke volumes to me, and my heart ached.
He didn't see me walk towards him. But, I sat down in front of him in the floor. I reached up from my knees, and gently placed my arms around his waist and buried my face in his lap.
He was surprised I felt the urge to approach him....that I reached out to him. I may have moved, but I didn't forget him.
I just sat there...and so did he. Me on the floor, he on the sofa. He put his arms around me to see if he still felt the same old feelings after all these years.
We both did. All the same feelings came back. The trust, the vulnerability, the comfort, the compatibility, the ease, friendship, belonging…it all came back.
I closed my eyes and I was transported back …when it as all good. Before the problems came. Before the battles and the raging waters arose.
For that moment, as brief as it was, I let my guard down. I relaxed, and just WAS.
I still recall that moment, as I sit here typing with tears falling from the corners of my eyes.
Sadly, we knew the moment we let go, of each other, it would be over. This moment wouldn’t last. We both knew we changed…somehow. In the dream, we didn’t completely understand why it couldn’t last…we just knew it couldn’t
I knew I would wake up and it would be gone.
And it was.
While it hurts to long for what you don’t have, I appreciate those moments and and those dreams. I have them regularly, and they always end the same. I can remember what life is really about. I can recall the good moments and relive happy times. It reminds me what life can still be.
Those who know me today? Yes, there was once a guy. I was once in a very different place, and a very different person Not sure how I got to the point I am today-whether that be good or bad. I don’t have answers. I don’t know why. I have a thousand questions, and millions of things I don’t understand.
Sometimes life is simply what it is. And you go on. You enjoy the "moment" when you can. Sometimes LIFE happens when you least expect it. You accept it. You go on. You have to. You have no choice. Day after day…after day…after day…after day.
And yes, there was once a guy...and there was once a time in my life....