Am I Even in the Game?

When you're a single mother, never married, with no child support, no shoulder to lean on, and no backup plan, it's natural to keep your guard up.

Have I been in love, of course.  I was forced into a position where I had to make a choice:  be a girlfriend/wife or be a mother.  I naturally chose the latter.

After being hurt as many times as I have, your instincts learn to duck or stall before the ball is even thrown. 

No offense is intended. I just don't understand game anymore.

I'm finding out I'm a rare bird.  I thought everyone was like this, they aren’t.

I'm not as open as I once was. I'm no longer as trusting as I once was. But I'm every bit as vulnerable as I've always been.

The difference is that I've spent years fighting some of the heaviest battles of my life silently while still maintaining grace, dignity, and class. My expectations have gone up. I require proof beforehand.

No harm intended, really.

I'm no longer afraid to be alone. I can sleep alone, have dinner alone, watch Netflix alone, go to the grocery store alone, and make myself a nice meal... or not. I'm good.

So when I invite someone into my circle, it's a choice, not a necessity.

And if someone isn't willing to step up, that's okay too.  No one else has either.

I don't swing at the first pitch anymore and there will be no twinkle in my eye as the ball passes the plate. Not even on the second. That's usually when most pitchers walk away.  “Most likely no homerun happening here…she isn’t even going to swing!”

But I've learned my peace is worth protecting. I wait until I'm sure the pitch is worth my one and only swing.

Sometimes the game ends sooner than I hoped it would.

But I'm good.

Because at the end of the day, I have peace.

I haven't always had that.

And now that I've found it, I treasure it. It’s worth protecting.