It's not YOU...IT'S ME. It Always Has Been
Updated: Sep 13, 2021
It’s been a while, almost 30 years to the day…almost. I never forgot you, or ever completely understood.
But, I get it now. Based on our history and conversations, I always truly believed that when we next connected it would be forever. When you said you didn’t want anything serious I thought that meant we were going to date casually. I had no idea what you truly meant. My heart blinds me, and I hung onto every word you have ever spoken to me and I believed them to the end. Maybe I believe what I want to believe and only see what I want to see.
I hear people saying they wished they could see only the good in people, and forget the bad. I’m here to say it isn’t what it is cracked up to be. You see, I only see the good in you and yes…I forget the bad so easily. It seems that is only what you see in yourself...the bad. Real shame, you are the most amazing person I have met. And I mean that.
We met so many years ago, when I was struggling to simply know who I was. My life so drastically changed when I met you all those years ago. I knew it immediately when I saw you…there was something about you. I never forgot you, even 30 years later
We have talked, shared, and talked some more. I made so many mistakes back then, and talking to you...you'd think I almost walked on water. You were on the outskirts of my life when I was growing into the person I am today: now a single mom with a magnificent grown son.
In spite of the years, miles, and silence, you never really left me. If you ask any man I have dated, they all knew who you are/were. And they all lived in the shadow of the person I loved back then. I know, I know…life went on anyway.
My life went on...but NOT my HEART.
We went our separate ways all those years ago and became the best we could each be with the tools we had. Today, I love my life and where I am…in spite of the ache left behind. It never healed. I always knew that when the time was right, we would re-connect and we would go down our "forever together" life.
But…I get it now. When you said you weren't looking for anything serious, you DID NOT mean we would date casually. You meant we were NOT going to DATE AT ALL. You said you never rejected me, that it was always YOU, not me.
I beg to disagree. It IS me. It always has been.
I could never be what you WANTED, much less what you NEEDED. I can’t be any different than the way I am today. All I can be is me. Besides, I like me, and I like me the way I am. My life is complete and whole…except with an aching heart that pops up every now and then.
I always believed in the good in the world. And as much hell as I’ve gone through, it seems that hope in the future is what sustains me and my faith. I live on hope. Even my faith in God: Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrews 1:11, ESV).
Seeing you again was amazing. You were so comfortable, safe, strong, attractive, intelligent, well read, fun and exciting, it even felt like you really "got" me, too. I forgot how nice it was to be in your company. I was caught off guard, and for a few hours walking on the beach, listening to the band play, and seeing the fireworks…I felt happy, comfortable, safe, content, whole, and complete.
I'm sorry. I'm a silly, overly romanticized, little girl that read too many fairy tales growing up - Pollyanna, Pie-in-the Sky and all that jazz..
I understand now. I was wrong. We AREN'T going to be together when the time is finally right, are we? We AREN'T going to work it out, are we? And we AREN'T going to date, and certainly NOT going to date casually, are we?
I get it now. I just had to clear this out of my head, and I know you aren’t going to read this. I feel silly actually believing we could ever…just be. But, I get it now.