Love is a crazy and fickle thing. Some people chase after it, seek it, and don’t seem to be complete without it. As a Christian, I believe we were created to be fulfilled in companionship. I don’t think you “seek” it, I think if finds you. And when the time is right…it is fulfilled.
I like to think I am one of the majority of people, but as time goes by I realize I am probably in a small minority of people out there. With that in mind, I can only share from my perspective…which will most likely not be the same as most.
A little background on me: 55 years old and never married. Note I didn’t say I had never been in love or been in relationships…just not married. I kind of bumbled my way through life, and God has had my back every step of the way. To summarize a complicated story, I claimed a bible verse and clung to it daily, “For your Maker is your husband; the Lord Almighty is his name; the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer.” (Isaiah 54:5). Keep in mind, Christians are not perfect. We acknowledge we are mistake ridden and need God’s help daily to trudge through life.
I also have a magnificent son. He is in his mid-20’s now and I remained a single mother all the way through. He is a fantastic guy, has a wonderful girlfriend who I couldn’t have hand-selected any better myself. Many people who meet my son are impressed with his manners, his ethic, and his character…and tell me I “did a good job”.
Truth be told…I just showed up. God did the work. God and I simply co-parented, and yes, my son is amazing.
Was my son’s father my first love? I will honestly have to say he was not. It was the first love I felt confident in though, and felt love reciprocated (at least a little). Odd to say if you knew the whole story. But, no, he was not my first love or the one I truly believed would be the father of my child.
I remember the meeting the “first” guy I will refer to as Guy A. One slight glance towards him and I walked up to him one night at a local pub. We struck up a tiny conversation, and chose to continue the conversation elsewhere…over a late-night breakfast. I knew immediately. THIS guy would change my life. I knew it in all of 2 minutes.
We dated very briefly. As disappointed as I was…things didn’t work out like I thought they would and he moved away. I was a little discombobulated for a while. But life is life and it is never predictable. We all make decisions and do things that don't even make sense at the time.
Life went on…and I went on to date a different guy. We proclaimed our love for each other, but we split up and I became a single mother at 2 months pregnant. I wasn’t in another relationship for at least a decade or longer.
A couple relationships and 27 years later, I’m still single. Odd for a naïve Christian girl from west Texas, raised in church from a devoted family. I had never even seen a disagreement amongst my parents, and they were married almost 55 years before my mother passed. I didn’t even know any single moms at that time…much less ever think I would become one.
I went on to raise my son and lived my life…just the 2 of us. I mended a few torn fences and let my “little broken wing” heal for a while. I focused on me, my son, and the future of my little family of two: mom and son. I went on to grab a couple more college degrees, and my son even went on to college to study his field of choice. Life was going along, and I had managed to put some of the yesterdays “aches and pains” aside to go forward.
However, I never forgot about Guy A. He danced through my mind through the years and I replayed a few memories through my mind off and on… over and over. I remembered with an ounce of regret…wondering how he was and what he had become with his life.
I never forgot the look in his eyes when I first glanced at him that first night, or how he sat down to speak with me after leaving the pub. I can see it today. I remember that first night I had waited for his friends to walk away from him so he would be by himself. I remembered the way he stood there, the look in his eyes and the way he looked at me. Oh yes…I remembered him well!
I was scrolling through social media and I saw a current photo of him…and I stopped dead in my tracks. When I saw his photo 28 years later…his current photo, and seeing the things he enjoys? I knew immediately I was still looking for him in other people, and was never aware I was doing that…until recently.
I didn’t realize there were pieces of him I still was hoping to find…in other people. Traits I liked. He had a way of being laid back…edgy…and even a little cavalier at times. And don’t mention his strength of character...he excels at that!. And under all that, there is a heart…devoted and loyal. All wrapped in in an Al Pacino attitude with a little grit. Just so happens, I am an Al Pacino fan…and I like that in a guy!
We recently met up, saw a concert and had a few drinks. We had a great time…at least I did - I guess I can't vouch for him. It felt like finding a favorite sweatshirt I forgot I had. It still feels GREAT...nice and comfortable! And you know, you secretly look forward to wearing it again.
We agree to remain friends, and I secretly hope that means we can stay in better contact that we have in the past. Besides, some people you simply need in your life. If friends is what it is...then friends it will be.
Everyone responds to the road they have travelled in different ways. Everyone responds to situations differently. The road I have traveled in life has caused me to be wary, leery, skeptical, and untrusting. I expect everyone is either lying or taking advantage of me. Unfortunately, I have learned to not hope like I had in the past, not believe, and not trust...especially to what I think my heart is telling me. I've been forced to learn that no one but me and my family (and God) are truly capable of caring for me. Some call it unfortunate, I call it life.
If you have read some of my other blogs, you recall I have said that the people with the largest hearts get hurt the most...that was me. I trusted every wolf out there believing it was a lamb. You will also recall my mention of Baggage and Walls, and yes, I have those...and I have quite a fortress built around my heart with enough baggage to stay a while. I actually truly pray that God will cause me to believe when I need to believe the trust is real. God hasn't let me down or disappointed me yet - He never will.
It took me a while to realize that romance is easy to find…as long as you aren’t very particular. ROMANCE shouldn't be the focus in "companionship". A person should seek trust and friendship first. When friendship, trust AND romance get combined together in the same person?
BOOM! FIREWORKS!
By now I’ve learned that if things are meant to be…they will be. If people want me in their life, they will let me know. I’ve learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). I’ve also learned that you don’t look for love…it simply finds you. It simply “is”, if you let it. I’ve learned you have to want it first, then nurture it, protect it and even work for it sometimes. But you don’t create it, or seek it. It just…IS.
Life is unpredictable, scary, unsure, fickle and incredibly short.. Sometimes having a certain person in your company simply feels right, even if you don’t know why. You can be still, and enjoy simply their presence - you feel "safe" with them I believe that “companionship” simply finds you. You don’t analyze it and don’t question it - you just enjoy it. When the time is right…it will be fulfilled like it is supposed to be. I believe if you seek friendship first…things fall into place.
If you let it.
I don't understand life, and how things work out. Maybe there are decisions that should have been made differently. All I know is I am grateful for the life I have and where I am in life. Was it easy? By NO MEANS was it ever considered easy. Will that first guy ever want me in his life? Most likely not. Will I EVER understand that? No.
Some things you simply accept. Sometimes it is the companionship, and sometimes it is the lack thereof.